Well....it certainly has been a long time since I have last posted! I would love to sugar coat the truth and say that the last few months have been amazing and I've conquered many of my struggles, but that would just not be true.Looking back I would describe these past few months as being some of the most difficult. There were some days I was just tried of trying.
side note:
I hesitate sometimes to write my feelings out. I fear being so vulnerable, but then I have to stop and think...If I'm feeling this way there has to be other women feeling the same. I want them to know that there is some out there that can share in their struggles, that can relate. Otherwise it could be a very lonely feeling. So, that is what gives me the strength to write.
When you wake up every day with a horrible feeling of inadequacies and you live that way day after day, with a good day sandwich in between every so often, you get tired...tired of fighting. That is how I was feeling. I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I thought I needed to lose weight, buy nicer clothes, do my hair a certain way....but even when I exercised an excessive amount, and bought new clothes and did my hair a different way, I still felt empty. I still felt like I didn't measure up.
I've come to realize again (I say again, because this thought has entered my brain on more than one occasion) that I won't EVER measure up to what the world says I should look like or feel like! It's impossible and I shouldn't want to be like them...I should want to be what God has created me to be. Why is it so difficult for me to understand that I was made perfect..just they way I am. I won't be made perfect by making myself look like Hollywood says I should look.
Psalm 139: 13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
These past few months I have lost the battle many times, because I have tried to fight on my own. Why did I think I could do it on my own...I needed Jesus! He is King of all and He has already won the battle! There is nothing He does not know. He knows the struggles you are going through, He knows why, He know how to conquer them...
My relationship with my Lord is a work in progress, but I don't want to wake up everyday feeling the way I have been...I'm giving it over to my Savior, for my burden is too heavy but His yoke is light.
I love this song by Hillsong United...my favorite part..."no weapons forged against me shall remain" With Jesus nothing can hold me down or wage war against me...I'm on the winning side.
What battles are our in right now? What do you need to give over to God?
The Desert Song
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow
