For the past few weeks, months, and years, I've struggled with feelings of unworthiness. I felt unworthy of being loved by others and Christ, of being called talented, creative, or beautiful, I felt unworthy of someones attention, or admiration. I compared myself to every person I saw. I wanted to look more like them, or I wanted to have a talent they possessed. I admired their creativity, or their independence. I was never satisfied with myself, I wasn't happy being who I was. I was stuck in an endless cycle of desire and desperation. Desire to be something I wasn't and a desperation that drove me to an eating disorder.
Then, this weekend happened. I found myself surrounded with so many different personalities, different talents, different styles, different mannerisms. God brought to my attention how unique and special he created each one of them....but wait...I was one of them. He created me unique and special, unlike anyone else.
This is not the end of this journey, only the beginning. I would be lying if I said I never feel this way..in fact I feel this way more than not, but it is a step in the right direction. My desire now is not to be more like others, but to be who God created me to be. He created me perfectly and He loves me more than anyone can! That means he loves everything about me...wow! I am LOVED!! I am extraordinary!
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb."
Pslam 139:13
Are you secure in who God created you to be?
Do you honor God by loving his creation, you?
Nicole, looking at you and how you radiate beauty on the outside, most could have no idea what goes on inside your mind. I do understand because I've struggled to be THIN since I can remember. Now the youthful body has passed and I knew the time would come when I couldn't grow old gracefully....it's hard and should have spent those years thanking God for being an intelligent, self-sufficient, healthy, mobile human being. I see what you have seen this week and its such a peace, when we give it all to God and live for Him. The peace of beauty lying within being so much more important than our outside package. I go down kicking unfortunately, but at least my heart can rest knowing that you have this realization so young in life and the Lord beside you to hold you all the way through. You truly are beautiful inside and out...special....you've got something extra that comes from witin....I love watching you grow into such a wonderful woman. Can't wait for you to be home to visit!!!!!!! All My Love, Melinda
ReplyDeleteMy Dearest Nicole,
ReplyDeleteHow beautifully written! You are a beautiful butterfly that flutters around with such a bright light. Everytime I see you, you make me shine and want to be more like the light of Jesus. I believe we all feel that we are not enough and want to do and be more! That is the beauty of life in Christ, we have the ever-lasting desire to be more like Him and to know Him more...just as He calls us to do.
As I probably have told you before, I am blessed to know you more and more. Ironically, we have so much in common. I've felt for so many years that I was not enough. THEN, I met the man of my life, Jesus Christ who made me new, just as He makes each one of us new when we repent and reach for His unfailing mercy and grace.
I can't tell you enough how you not only brighten my day, but know how you brighten my daughter's every day. You will be that teacher that she will never be able to forget...you have made that much of an impact!
We love you so much! Tanya & Phoebe